I've spent a good bit of time in the last few months searching for a way to get some of the old Mac games to run in OS X... And now, SUCCESS!!! I have Lunatic Fringe.

Of course, I had to download another program to make it compatible, but still. It's Lunatic Fringe. None of the other After Dark stuff works with this, but it's what I wanted most (aside from Crystal Crazy... but that's apparently impossible to get to run, at least with my limited technology skills).

So. For other old school game nerds and anyone else who wants it, I give you: Lunatic Fringe Player and the After Dark module for the game. You'd have to download both, and when the player asks you to find the module just point it to the file (the module itself won't open anything, this confused me for about 10 minutes).

I really should move the poetry books off my bed and go to sleep soon.

Edit: Ack, my links disappeared. Fixed now.

I've been horrible about updating. This isn't really anything new, but it's still not good. Particularly after I said I'd be posting a lot more often about whatever. In my defense, I haven't just been lazy. I've been busy and not online all that often at all, not just not on LJ. And the busy isn't likely to change real soon. I will try to be better about actually getting online and posting something occasionally though. I very much doubt that I'll really be able to keep up with everyone's journals, again I'll try, but I can't promise. :/

Today is a job-hunting day. I need to find either a decent full time job, or a second part time job. Preferably full time with benefits, but I'll take what I can get for now and keep looking if I can't find one right away. So it's off to town and walking down main street looking for anyone hiring or even just taking applications.

(There's an update for ya, Austin! :p )

I'll be 21 tomorrow. I'd be excited if it meant anything that would make me feel better.

In other news, I've become re-addicted to Gackt, specifically to the song Vanilla. I've been playing it on repeat these last few days. Kinda makes me want to learn Japanese. Aishite mo ii kai? and motto hayaku just sound pretty (and yes, I do know translations. I still sing both lines loudly in public).
But I have to learn Finnish first. Then German. Then Italian. Then I'll start with Japanese maybe.

I can't help wondering about the English lines, and noticing how very much "a crew sees crying knees" sounds like "kuruoshii kurai ni" from earlier in the song. I'm sure it was intentional for the sound, but I wonder if it was intended to carry a double meaning by sounding like something different in Japanese. I don't speak Japanese at all (aside from counting to 5 and a handful of other words), so I wouldn't be able to tell. :/
...Yes, I do have a habit of overanalyzing songs.

And I've lost weight again. Back down to 111. DAMN FUCKING ANOREXIA.
I was doing so well. ;_;
But at least I haven't dropped back below 110. If I can stay above that, at least, I feel like I've accomplished something, even if I'm only a little over.

 Granny's gone. And mom is "bummed". >.<

Ok, I probably should have posted this sooner... I really wasn't dealing with it well (not that I'm dealing so much better with anything now, but it's at least had a chance to sink in somewhat).

My grandmother had a stroke last week and is in the hospital. It's not looking likely that she'll recover... And I wouldn't even have known about it if I hadn't called my mother to ask her to bring over my space heater, since the furnace here failed on us right as the weather started getting really cold (it's still not fixed, but the space heaters are doing us pretty well, so no worries there). She claimed she hadn't known about it until that day, but I call bullshit. Her brother (the one she heard it from) is much better at informing people of important things than she is, obviously.  And even if that were true, she could have called me when she found out. Or texted me, even. OR EVEN FUCKING ACTED LIKE SHE GAVE A SHIT INSTEAD OF TREATING IT LIKE SOME MINOR ANNOYANCE!!! 
And then, after I expressed my displeasure with having not been informed, she decided it was a good idea to suggest that if she were to have to go out east to help her brother take care of things, or to go to a funeral, that I should stay here and take care of her house while she's gone! 
I told her, very firmly, that I was NOT going to miss what might be my last chance to see my grandmother, or if I wouldn't have that chance, I wasn't going to stay here while everyone else scurried off to her funeral. Hell fucking no. 
At that point, they were still waiting on some tests to see how likely it would be that she would get better. The next day, mom actually did bother to call me, to tell me that the tests hadn't found anything, so "we're still just waiting to see if she perks up or goes the other way". In a ridiculously uncaring tone. >.< 
It's times like this that remind me why I moved out, though it would have been much better financially to continue living with mum and sis for awhile. It's like she thinks that any time I have to ask her for something, it's an indication of my lack of independence and a good time to try, yet again, to convince me that I'd be so much better off if I moved back. Nevermind that I've been overall much happier and less stressed out since moving, not to mention actually gaining weight and keeping it for the first time in YEARS (still about 20-15 pounds underweight, but at the time I left I was nearly 30 under, and had been fighting to try to improve that for a year already...now in 5 months I'm doing so much better). 

Now that I'm done with that rant, in a related sentiment:
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH, UNIVERSE. I REALLY DID NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. 

In other news, yes I am participating in NaNoWriMo this year. It's not my highest priority though. The most important thing is to try to sort out my brain. So I'm doing a modified NaNo, with a personal goal of 25K, and letting myself write whatever stories/poems/lyrics end up in my head, instead of trying to stick to one long book. My main novel, if you can call it that (I don't know how much I'll actually get done on it) is called Mirrorworld. It's an idea I had sometime last year while staring out a bus window, or rather staring out the windows that were reflected in the window I was staring at. I've also got several fanfics I'm working on, and wrote a bit of poetry today. Which brings me to a bit of happy news:

Today I completed the first entire lyric I have ever written. I has a song!!! 
It's got words and melody so far, I still have to work out the keyboard stuff, and probably do some tweaking along the way, so it's still a long way from a finished song. BUT. It's the closest to a finished song I've written so far, and I think it's not half bad. Makes me think that maybe my dream of being a songwriter and musician is not so impossible after all. I have one instrumental piece, half a full song, a nearly-complete lyric needing a major re-work from when I started trying to write songs in middle school with about half a melody worked out, plus a few snips and bits of things.
Of course, just like non-lyric poetry, I can't write anything half decent when not depressed. Sigh. 

One more thing...
Dear Nettan, you are still absolutely adorable. But the lip piercing just does not look very good on you. 

 Yes, I know it's a Rolling Stones song. But I like the Inkubus Sukkubus cover better.

( I want to paint it black... )

 Taken from rdyfrde  and thatdamnvirgo  ... and I think at least one other person on my friends did this awhile ago. 
I might have even done this awhile ago, I vaguely remember something at least similar. But I have a bunch of new friends, so here it goes (again?).

The problem with LJ: We all think we are so close, but really we know nothing about one another. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away.

I wouldn't tell anyone from my past that I love them. If they don't know, they don't need to. Those who I never told I loved them before they left my life, probably for the most part would be better off not knowing at this point. Particularly if I were going to die tomorrow. What good would it do them? Just the opportunity to think, "dammit I missed my chance" if they felt the same, or "ok... why did you show up out of nowhere after no contact for years?" if not. 
There are definitely people I regret not telling. But it's been too long to make much difference now, all I can do is go on with my life and learn from my regrets.

As for I'm sorry... I think I probably have something to be sorry for to everyone I know. Some more important things than others, I haven't majorly fucked up with everyone... but I have fubar'd more times than I like to think about.

So, I had an idea the other day. Something to maybe help my motivation with that plan I posted about awhile ago (yeah, the one that's not really working out like I thought it would so far... at least I'm posting though. This is an improvement over the last few years...if it lasts anyway).

This is my idea.

Most people who know me fairly well know how important music is to me (with the major exception of my mother... have I ranted about that fiasco yet?). If you didn't know this, IT IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! Now you know.
I've always found it easier to define myself and my feelings by a song than to write or tell it with my own words. 
So I thought it would be kinda cool to steal and modify those song-shuffle meme things, turn my itunes on at random, and write about whatever the first song to play makes me think of. If I get an instrumental I'll most likely have to skip it, but hey. It's my game, my rules, and I can change 'em whenever I want. :p I might just pick a song I wanna listen to repeatedly if I feel like it. ANYWAY. However I pick the song, it doesn't really matter, and it will probably change every time.
Because I have such a hard time coming up with stuff to write about, aside from depressive whining. It'll be more interesting this way, maybe. 

But I don't really feel like doing that tonight. I thought I would, and even tried to start. But then it just didn't seem so appealing. So maybe later. 


 

 I think a lot when biking home at night. Something about the quiet and the darkness broken only by moonlight and starlight and citylights (and the occasional passing car, but that's not as poetic) makes me inclined to interesting thoughts that are easy to get lost in. The problem is, I tend to lose them by the time I get anywhere I can write them down. I lose the phrasings at least, the perfect in-the-moment words that sum up the essence of a thought in one sentence instead of a huge long ramble. And then I forget what I was going to do, and end up not even starting until two days later... but now here I go... 

I have decided something. I'm going to use my LJ to write up all kinds of rambling thoughts, laying bare the essence of my soul, if you will, for the world to see. Pretty much, the kind of things I think about when I'm biking home or before I fall asleep at night, posted without editing to make myself seem better / smarter / less fucked up than I am, without making defenses to potential accusations of those who really have no right to accuse. I want to see what I'll find out about myself, maybe learn to understand me a little better. No one should feel they have to read my rambles, I'll be doing it mostly for my own purposes and won't think people don't give a shit if they don't read and comment or whatever. So, read if you like, comment if you like, but don't feel you have to or <i>should</i>. Will it be intelligent? Inane? Depressive? Inspirational? Ranting? Whining? Probably some of all. Multiple contradictions and lack of explanations can be expected, as can long-windedness and quite a bit of general incoherence. 

(We'll see how long I actually stick to this plan... or if this, like so many others, will peter out in a few weeks and I'll go back to posting little to nothing. I'm a flake. Maybe nothing will happen at all, and it will be three months before my next post... I really can't say for sure.)

I guess I'm having an identity crisis, in a way... not that I've suddenly changed or something, but I have realized just how little I really know about my own brain-workings. Do most people know themselves any better? I don't know. But I feel like I should have a better idea of myself. And maybe I can purge a few bad habits in the process, and find my way back to a few things I've lost. I was a poet once... I hope to regain that ability to define the indefinable. It will be slow to return, if it does, but I know there is still at least some part of that left in me, despite having written very little in years. 

So anyway, in a nutshell, expect me to be posting more often, and more ramblishly. 

...this all was much more articulate when I was biking. And I know there was more I was going to post in this, but I can't remember it now. And hopefully I haven't screwed up my grammar or anything too badly... need sleep, can't focus on checking it over. :/ 

Everything keeps showing in this annoying white background with the links for comments and such all stacked on top of each other and huge, instead of in the journal style I have set. This bothers me a great deal. Leny no likey. 

But anyway. Last night was fun. Hung out with friends for the first time in months, at least. Some new friends and some old friends. And we had a minor run-in with some bored cops who had nothing better to do than shine floodlights in our faces and demand to see our id's, just for being in a city park after sunset. Apparently this is not allowed. You'd think they'd put up a sign or something at least. But I'm not really all that annoyed. More amused, in a sarcastic kind of way, that it apparently takes four cops, plus the two that stayed in the cars, to tell the five of us not to hang around in parks at night. 
The really pretty sad thing, is that there were only the two guys there at first. Then AFTER the one cop who actually spoke had asked us what we were doing there and reported us on his little radio, two more cop cars pulled up with flashing lights and everything. Like we were dangerous. Nevermind that we'd been behaving and really quite friendly. 
You'd think they could find something more productive to do. You know, like going after people actually committing crimes. 
Boredom must be an occupational hazard of being a smalltown cop. Gotta take any opportunity to practice that mean face.

So, after that little adventure, we headed back to the nearest of our apartments and goofed around there til falling asleep. 

And now, I shall go back to obsessively watching the live videos of Last Amazing Grays and try to get the lyrics right. 

 It's been awhile, and I'm wondering what became of that documentary I might be in... Tried googling but didn't come up with much that I could understand, as I don't speak Finnish all that well. And it's a phrase that's apparently in fairly common usage, and the name might have changed from what I was told... And I'm not even sure if it's finished yet. 

But if anyone knows anything about a documentary on Finnish metal, that would've come out sometime this year, likely called Rautaa Rajan Taa, and including a section filmed in New York at a Sonata Arctica show PLEASE let me know where I can get my hands on a copy! 

Here's the song I've been working on for the last few months. Yes, I'm slow. No, it's not finished yet. But I like it so far, enough to share it at least.
This is the first song I've ever written, and I'm all nervous that I subconsciously ripped it off from somewhere. So let me know if it sounds like something I should know.

The new Sonata album looks AMAZING! I'm just dying to hear the songs.
*minor brain asplosion due to awesomeness*

A friend of mine posted this article by Mark Morford just recently, and I thought a few of you on my list might find it interesting as well. So here you go. Yes, it's opinionated. So am I. I think I would get along quite well with this man. 

( To the article )


(I had a lesbian guinea pig for YEARS. We were so sure she was a boy, considering the way she went after our other, definitely female, guinea pig... until she got sick and was taken to the vet, and the vet gave us that little surprise.)

In about 7 hours, I get to have my wisdom teeth dug out of my jawbone. Yay.

I'm scared as fuck.

I've never had surgery of any sort before, and never taken any painkiller stronger than the over-the-counter stuff. Aleve makes me high. Tylenol makes me stoned. Excedrin and Ibuprofen don't cause me problems, as long as I only take one pill. Two of either and I start getting loopy.
When I broke my arm at 4 years old, I got kiddie Tylenol. When I ran headfirst into a brick wall a year or two later (true story...) and had to get stitches, I had a concussion and was in shock and couldn't feel a thing anyway. When I recovered enough to be coherent and started hurting, my parents gave me kiddie Tylenol again.
And now, I shall be on narcotics of some sort.
Yay drugs.
Everyone might want to avoid me for a few days, I have no idea how this shit's gonna affect me.

 Finally got myself a computer and got it running. So I has internets again! 
Anything anyone is wanting me to know, they should leave a comment and tell me. Because there's no way in hell I'm gonna be able to read god knows how many pages of updates from all of you. I'll try to catch up a bit, but I make no guarantees. So don't feel ignored if I don't comment on something. 

In other news, I am now a HARDCORE bike commuter. LOL. 9 miles each way, uphill both ways (or halfway uphill each way anyway). But so worth it to be out of mom's house. She was driving me absolutely insane. And I'm now looking for jobs closer to me, not gonna quit the job I've got til I have something lined up though. Oh, and there's a bus I can take to work most days. It just doesn't run late enough to get me back home, and doesn't run at all on sundays. 

Still living in a bit of an unpacking mess, but it's getting better. One of these days I will have no mess, and that will be WEIRD. I've never been all that tidy, but my bedroom is now too small to let it get cluttery. My furniture barely all fits, let alone the kind of mess I used to have. So I'm gonna have to learn to be a lot more organized. *sigh*

Now I've gotta get typing... I have half a novel in a notebook that has to get on the computer, preferably by the end of the month so I can finish writing it for JulNoWriMo (yes, I'm insane). I'll have plenty of time for that after Friday at least, getting my wisdom teeth out and I've got a week off work to recover. All four of them, all impacted. The good news is they're knocking me out all the way. Local anesthetic like most people get for wisdom teeth just wouldn't cut it, it's not just a matter of yanking them out. They actually have to operate and dig them out of my jawbone. FUN.